Bernard ran full tilt down the hollowed hallways; his flip-flops flapping from his feet as he dashed up the last three flights of steps to the office doors of the boss.
His toga always hung too loose since he lost most of his weight, the stress of current times meant it was not likely to fit for a while.
He modestly corrected his appearance, tucking in the last loose end of fabric and straightening his golden hair, before knocking three times above a gold plaque on the door, which read: “you don’t have to be omniscient to run this joint, but it helps.” He was allowed immediate access.
As soon as he entered he was stopped in his path by the oddity of his boss moving in mysterious ways on top of his desk. “Morning Bringer of Light.” Bernard approached slowly. “Are you feeling well?”
“Morning Bernard,” chirped god while hand jiving to a silent disco. “How are you doing?”
“Well Infinite One, thanks to your radiance of course. May I ask what you are doing?”
“Dancing.”
“I see,” said Bernard sighing. He did not let his curiosity get the better of him this time, last time he asked about dinosaurs he was there for nine millennia. “Shall I make a note of it and pass it along the usual channels?”
“I should say. Mortals are going to love this, I just have to work out what to put with it.”
“Very well.” Bernard scribbled down the details as best he could, and moved quickly to the agenda at hand. “You wanted to see me Cosmic Shepherd?”
“Yes,” said god waltzing off the table, landing into a break dance tailspin at Bernard’s feet. “I wanted to go through those Amendments with you one more time.”
“Amendments?”
“Yes, you know, those ten amendments I wrote on my thumb not so long ago…”
“You mean commandments?”
“Yes.”
Bernard gasped. “But they have already been delivered.”
“Oh, well I’m sure we could create an accident of some kind, I’m getting quite good at those, I’ve decided to change my approach a little.”
Bernard stepped back. “How Ultimate Mover? We were all pretty for the approach you have taken, humanity needs a firm hand to guide it.”
“That’s exactly why I plan on playing a more important role in the moron’s lives.”
“Human’s.” Corrected Bernard humbly.
“Plus, I was in a bad mood.” God continued, hardly noticing its mistake. “One should never make any important decisions when in a bad mood. Humour me. I want to start from the beginning again. Remind me, what was the beginning again?”
Bernard inhaled deeply, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”
“Okay,” said god, shuffling its feet. “How about instead of using that we go with something like, hey, how you doing, good?”
No words came to Bernard straight away. He searched to find “yes. Right. Not really a commandment though is it? More of a question really.”
“Okay,” said god, excitedly getting into the sport of the brainstorm, “how about something like, hey, I command you to be doing good!”
“Yes. Better. But what we are really aiming for here is a strong introduction Almighty Almanac of All. Hey is more of a casual greeting, and not something that naturally invokes the same breathtaking awe as, say, I AM the LORD. And credit where credit is due you are God, and no one is actually above, before or not because of you…”
“Hmmm” God considered this scratching its enormous chin, “let’s leave that be for the time being then and move onto number two. If you would not mind…”
“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.”
“Yeah, now for this one I was considering something like, go ahead, make as many statues as you like, you all started as clay in my hands and that didn’t turn out too badly…”
Bernard audibly gulped. “I don’t think you quite get the message here Light beyond Light. We observed many of the human’s worshipping images of you as a cow! And we don’t think the Universal Mover and Shaker should be represented as a dairy producing herbivore.”
“They think I look like a cow?”
“And the rest. It’s best if they just stopped trying to work out what you look like altogether, saves time and confusion.”
“Okay, but can we leave the bit out about me being jealous, because really, I don’t give a monkeys.”
“Yes. We talked this through Mystic Ruler of the Lay Lines, and the PR department was adamant that this part really did reach out to the people. They want a God who is in their image. They will listen more if you lean more towards their limited thinking.”
“But should I not set an example of forgiving, holding a grudge for four generations seems at little steep, aren’t I supposed to be above all that pettiness?”
“Yes. But that’s not what they will worship you for, trust us.”
“Moving on then…”
“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”
“Yes, more of a question about this really. They don’t know my name, half of them think it is unpronounceable, how can they take it in vain?”
Bernard was heartily stumped. “Um, I will look into that Sire of the Suns.”
“Be sure you do, next.”
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”
God considered this in deep thought. “Why should only the Sabbath be holy? Why should we demonize people who want to work, for sure it’s better to rest, but I don’t want to come across as too unreasonable.”
“But, you are asking for one day of reverence Mighty Permanent Mark Maker, that is not too much in anyone’s book.”
“If I wanted a day to myself I would just make one.”
Bernard said a short silent prayer of thanks for the patient streak he was blessed with genetically, before continuing; “not really the point Great Witness of all to Come. Again, the brains at PR thought you would come across better to the people if you gave an almighty thumbs up to the six day working week.”
“Ah…I do approve of that. Fine, we’ll move on then.”
“Surely you have no disagreements with commandments five to ten. It is only right that people should honor their parents, nor should they murder or steal or commit adultery.”
“But isn’t this just common sense? Really, aren’t we wasting loads of opportunity here to fill this space with some real commandments that would actually make a difference? Like, thou shalt not form religion based on my teaching. Or, though shall try to have a nice day and help others do the same.”
“You would be surprised Perpetuator of All in an Instant, perhaps we should just keep it simple for now.”
“Perhaps. It makes no difference anyway I suppose, nothing is written in stone.”
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