frustrations

God I’m frustrated today…I have no reason why, but I suppose that is yet another dimension to it. I am frustrated by how slow things go sometimes…I am frustrated because not everything I want is mine…I am frustrated because really, deep down, I have absolutely no idea what I want or how fast I should get to it. And I think that scares me sometimes.

I heard this joke yesterday: Fear knocks on the door, Faith answered and there was no one there. 

I’ve been thinking about it since.  Like I said, I am frustrated today.

Is there really a clock ticking against us? If I spend a day, dreaming out of my window instead of “working”, is that day really spent wasted? Do the sands of time hold our idol hours against us? One thing is for sure: very few lie on their deathbed wishing they’d got to work early everyday.

But there is pressure to always do something or achieve something with our lives; the human being is rarely encouraged. And I think this is why I am frustrated, because once you’ve done what you are doing where does that leave you? Looking for the next thing to do.

To be or not to be…when what to do is the question?

All of my friends say I think too much, the kinder ones leave out the part where I probably talk too much too. I like many other people I know, have nothing really to complain about. So when I get frustrated, it frustrates me further, because nothing is actually wrong.

Sure, I’ve got a few financial issues, a job that does not satisfy me and many creative dreams yet to be manifest, but as my mother constantly reminds me, count your blessings your fed housed and clothed every night. She is of course right, there are people out there in the world who are genuinely suffering at the hands of tragedy and greed. I am blessed (and ashamed in comparison) to have such minor frustrations to trouble me.

But judging myself for banging my head against a brick wall has never caused anything but a headache, my relative angst maybe trivial, but it is mine to deal with.

Where do our motivations come from? Why do we choose what we choose to do with their lives?  Is happiness a large deciding factor in most career or life choices? Or is MONEY the route of all LIVES (EVILS?)

Funnily, my best ideas have never included money. I find no inspiration from looking at the Queens head, sliding a VISA into a slot or pushing change into my pocket.

Was there ever a top twenty hit written about a 20p piece? No.

However, plenty of songs are written about what HAVING money means to your life. It’s really powerful. The word money does not equate to paper, plastic and coin (which is all it is) in modern and especially youth cultures. It equates to lifestyle and acquisition: multiple lovers/ friends/ cars/ houses/ parties/ popularity, and most importantly, acceptance.

The message is clear: the more money you have, the more you can get the less you will want for materialistically (interestingly, money is seen as a cure for wanting, ironically, it always has you needing more.) But, as the Beatles put it (even though they contradicted themselves several times over the subject) Money can’t buy you Love. Unless, of course, your rent it by the hour.

I digress. I do that when I’m frustrated.

In some way I envy those who see money as the be-all and end- all of existence. If my drives were purely to find the perfect plastic body to suit my personality, and a boyfriend/husband in the higher echelons of the sports industry, at least I would know how to do it; it’s not like it has not been done before.

Not that I am looking to pioneer anything particularly…I just want to do what I love doing, and stay true to who I am.

But how do you stay true to who you are? And how do you stay true to who you are when you have been rejected more times than a virus? We all need to feel some form of acceptance; therefore we all seek some form of approval. We are all very good at creating illusions to cover our co-dependant needs of each other.  No man is an island…people don’t do truth with each other, they do versions of truth with each other.

Henry Louis Mencken put it perfectly: “It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.”

You would never tell your best friend they looked awful now they put all of their weight back on…you wouldn’t tell them that you told them it would happen. If you did, you would be breaking the codes of the co-dependant relationship and most probably be called a harsh name. There are definitely things you would never tell your spouse/partner.

Was William Blake right when he said: “A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.”

People might be able to handle the truth, but very few can do honesty.  Hands up, I am only coming to this conclusion because I know this to be true of myself.  We lie to each other because we lie to ourselves about what is important in this life.

I complain although I know I have no need to and it never helps my situation, so why do I do it? I have axes to grind against some mighty personal issues, but honestly, do I create the problem by lifting the axe in the first place? I want acceptance, but what am I prepared to accept?

Am I prepared to accept that my own pursuit of money, success and security may not be as important as simply being here, now? In doing so, am I prepared to put down all of my angst and frustrations in order to find happiness now?

Paul Tornier said: “Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”

Honestly, I think I am frustrated because I find it hard to accept myself. I find it hard to find where I am in amongst the things I think I should be doing and the things I think I should have done. I can see how this is true of most people I know.

There’s this beautiful quote from Albert Ellis:

“Acceptance is not love. You love a person because he or she has lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they're alive and human. “

I guess the first person to start with is you.